When He Was Tall
The Ferris Wheel creaks and turns,
It’s all chipped red paint and kissing.
The sent of animal dung and barbeque smoke
Hangs low and heavy in the clang and the din.
I sit on a polished wooden fence and watch
I sit on a polished wooden fence and watch
The girls with big hair and pink shirts.
Their flushed cheeks match their tops,
They’ve been leading their ponies
In circles all day,
Carrying the most delighted little children
that ever did ride on the backs of these blessed beasts.
In circles all day,
Carrying the most delighted little children
that ever did ride on the backs of these blessed beasts.
One boy in particular catches my eye.
A little boy with a Mohawk
Sits atop his mighty steed,
But his feet don’t quite reach the stirrups.
They dangle at the saddle
And they flop about that cured leather,
But know this,
He has never been taller.
He points forward and with great resolution,
As only little mohawked boys can have,
Commands the girl in the pink shirt
With a squeal and a giggle at once:
“FASTER!”
The little general to be gleefully screams!
He bounces an uneven and syncopated rhythm
And he holds onto the horn for dear life,
For the pink shirt girl begins to run.
He will grow up
And study biology.
He’ll learn about photosynthesis
And labor over lab reports.
He’ll memorize all the charts
Ag, Fe, Au
Ag…
Au
He’ll get a job as a doctor eventually,
And marry some woman
Who he’ll never see
And have a boy
Who he’ll never know
And a girl
Who he can’t quite love
And a good dog
And a big house
And a white fence
He will forget that day
When he was tall.
He will cut off his Mohawk.
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You get the point across for sure. And the point is good. But I don't think your imagery is consistent. The mohawked boy and the girl in the pink shirt don't really merge well with 1800's style horse warfare. I think the mixture of times really throws it off and keeps it from being more powerful.
ReplyDeleteI edited it for you Monty, so there you go.
ReplyDeleteI think the edits are awesome-- it helps a great deal to have the physical setting. But now there is a tone discrepancy. We need the omniscient,rhetorical, almost sarcastic, almost pompus tone in the first half that is there in the second.
ReplyDelete