I am an old curmudgeon.

So many I have known have passed

Into another life, for better or worse,

Who can really say?

To labor or to search,

I too, soon will follow.       

But as I sit alone, and sink

Deep into my old and stainy couch

I think, of all the bumpy little lumps

And memories that make it mine,

And yet I cannot take it with me.

My couch is too big, too full to fit.

They will squabble over it,

My children, and brothers.
Oh! To whom will it go?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

But my rug will be burned,

Of course, and my room emptied out

A garage sale will be held, no doubt.

And I know my passing will be mourned by all

With a whole god damned celebration.

They’ll decorate with ribbons and toast many toasts.

They’ll shed tears of joy when I go up,

But in the end, I will still be gone, and

Soon, Oh so soon, be forgot.

            Coming up this Monday, my household, “The Lawless Heirs of God the Father,” is hosting their second annual game of “Humans vs Zombies,” a high powered, highly addictive game of adult tag. Here is the basic concept described by the Humans vs Zombies official website:

            “Humans vs. Zombies (HvZ) is a game of moderated tag commonly played on college campuses. A group of human players attempts to survive a “zombie outbreak” by outsmarting a growing group of zombie players”

Basically, in our version of the game, one player is selected to be the original zombie (Patient Zero) and as he tags players, they turn into zombies and attempt to “eat” the remaining humans. The humans attempt to survive long enough to reach the end of the timeline. There are missions, there are socks, and there is large scale mayhem throughout the duration of the week long game.  Here is a picture to describe said mayhem:

            We had a total of about 40 players come out to the first mission last year. By the end of the week, that number had grown to 60, and people got so into it that a game that was intended to last for a month lasted for five days. It was an unbelievable success at AMU, but it has been even more successful elsewhere. When we started playing, we knew that “HvZ” was on several college campuses across the country, but we had no idea the extent to which it has spread. Just to give you some background on this growing phenomenon, in addition to the hundreds of HvZ games hosted by universities and neighborhoods across the US, recently there was a city wide game of “HvZ” in Melbourne that drew six thousand players. SIX THOUSAND! Can you even IMAGINE what it would be like to be the last person alive being attacked by six thousand brain-hungry zombies? There have been countless videos, documentaries, and trailers put up on youtube, and “Nerf” has even sponsored some of the larger scale “HvZ” clubs. Here’s one of the most epic videos to get your blood pumping:

                                                                 

            The media has caught on to the growing “HvZ” craze, and like most things that aren’t sports, have been shocked by the game’s resilience and ability to draw men and women on the cusp of adulthood on such a large scale. Professional and well socialized grown ups all over the US are asking questions like the following comment left on this fox article (the opening of that article is priceless, by the way):

                     "What? Are you serious?? This is what our youth is doing with their time at
                     college (instead of actually getting an education)? And this is our future... great.           
                    We're screwed."

I wonder what this same well socialized grown up might think about a football recruit going to college simply to play football, but I digress.

Our good friends at “HvZ” have treated this sort of “concern,” along with many others in the press section on the “HvZ” website. It reads: