My Last (Senior) Will and Testement

8:27 PM Marcellino DAmbrosio 3 Comments

Last (Senior) Will and Testament
Marcellino D’Ambrosio

I, Marcellino D’Ambrosio, resident of Sebastian Hall at Ave Maria University, being of sound mind and disposing memory and not acting under duress or undue influence of alcohol, and fully understanding the nature and extent of all my property and of this disposition thereof, do hereby make, publish, and declare this document to be my Last (Senior) Will and Testament, and do hereby revoke any and all other wills and codicils heretofore made by me.
a.       I direct that all my debts, fines, minor infractions, major infractions, and other said debts as soon after my death as may be reasonably expected, be passed on to my Personal Representative and Executor Michael Foose.
b.       I hereby authorize Executor Foose hereinafter appointed, to settle and discharge, in his absolute discretion, any claims made against my estate. (Have fun buddy!)
a.       The entire residue of the property owned by me at my death, real and personal and wherever situate, I devise and bequeath to my Trustees appointed by this document:
a.       To our good friend Colin Brown I do bequeath all the unmitigated hatred and disrepute I have accumulated over the past four years. I have heard that a bit of good old fashioned hatred is good for the digestive track.

b.      I do herefore pass on the good deed of the week trey and all traditions accompanying the Mc Don Don Fraternity to David Hallenback for their safe keeping and propagation.
I leave Chocolate Milk Pong and “Duces” to Kevin Doran. I leave all of my research of the health benefits of the McDonalds diet to Mathew Prokop. May the eternal blessings of the Golden Arches be with you.

c.       To John Jochum I bequeath my Iron, which you’ve had all year anyway, as well as a portrait of my moon, and a six pack of corona. HAGS!

d.      I bequeath to Caleb Mathew Anthony Glaser all of the “Pizza” that is not consumed during the I.A. ritual. (See Sixth).

e.        To Kelson Thomas I leave my stash of cocain. Don’t worry dude, I already put it in your closet with the rest of your weed.

f.        To Travis Spier, Colby Popik, David Halenback, Kevin Doran, Matthew Prokop, Charlie Carlisi, Sean Gill, and Brian McBride, A.J Fleschniman, I leave Sebastian Hall, her pride, her traditions, her memories, her stories, and her life. Let her spirit live on!

g.       I leave my babies: Dorm Wars, Swampfest, and the propagation of the SAB to Jaleh Jerami. I know I leave them in capable hands. I mean hand. Ehm.

h.       To Kevin McCaffrey I bequeath all of my discontent caused by senioritis. Good luck buddy!

i.         I leave the caretaking of the Frisbeterians to Shawn Scanlan. Rock’n Roll Bruv.

If any beneficiary under this Will, or any trust herein mentioned, contests or attacks this Will or any of its provisions, any share or interest in my estate given to that contesting beneficiary under this Will is revoked and shall be disposed of in the same manner provided herein as if that contesting beneficiary had predeceased me.
My Personal Representative shall elect under Section 2056(b)(7) of the Internal Revenue Code of 1954, as amended in the Student Handbook, or other similar statute then in force, to qualify the Household Trust that all those graduating are exempt from all cleaning checkout requirements ie. sweeping, mopping, dusting. These tasks pass to those designated household members not graduating: Nathan Gutman, Charlie Carlisi, Michael Santschi, and Daniel Sadasivan.
Upon my graduation, it is my wish that my body and essence undergo the rites of Intoxication and Alcoholization (IA). To that end, I specifically direct the following:

1.      The rites of I.A will be conducted by PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon), a 501(c)(3) organization. Upon my death, I donate my body to PBR for the purpose of conducting said rites.

2.      My body shall be delivered as soon after my graduation as practicable and to the full extent legally possible, without any sharpie writing on the forehead, to any bench, ditch, or bed, by PBR with my shoes still on.

3.      The above said bed so designated by PBR shall be henceforth purged upon awakening the next morning. All so called texts, calls, email messages, facebook comments and the like made during the rights of I.A. shall be excused under Article Ten bylaw 14a of the Student Handbook under “Graduation.”

I have made pre-arrangements with PBR for my I.A.. Because the rights of I.A. are very elaborate, detailed, thorough, and lengthy, I have pre-arranged a donation of the total sum of twenty six dollars and 87 cents (27.89), as gathered in my junk draws, to PBR which will assist the organization and carrying out my wishes.
I hereby name Nathan Gutman my Designated Driver, Prudent Friend, and Attorney for the duration of my Intoxication and Alcoholization rights, as well as for the spreading and propagating of my reputation hereafter. This includes any: building of statues in my honor, any future pouring of libations, the embellishment of all stories of my deeds, and epic poems written in my honor.
Any clarifications or instructions concerning this Will may be obtained by calling the above-mentioned attorney who is requested to do everything necessary to implement the provisions of this Will.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I, Marcellino D’Ambrosio the testator/testatrix, sign my name to this instrument consisting of pages this 29th day of April, 2011, and being first duly sworn, do hereby declare to the undersigned authority that I sign and execute this instrument as my Last Will and that I sign it willingly (or willingly direct another to sign for me), that I execute it as my free and voluntary act for the purposes expressed in it, and that I an 18 years of age or older, of sound mind, and under no constraint or undue influence.

Marcellino D’Ambrosio

We, Luke S. Walker  and  Hans Olo, the witnesses, sign our names to this instrument, being first duly sworn, and do hereby declare to the undersigned authority that the testator/testatrix declares it to be his/her Last will and requested us to sign as witnesses thereof, and that he/she signs it willingly (or willingly directs another to sign for him/her), and that each of us, in the presence and hearing of the testator/testatrix and of each other, hereby signs this will as witness to the testator's/testatrix’s signing, and that to the best of our knowledge the testator/testatrix is 18 years of age or older, of sound mind, and under no constraint or under influence.

Notary Public:                                                                       Date:
            Jennifer Snow                                                                                     April 29th, 2011 

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  1. I laughed. I cried. I checked my closet. Keep in touch, Marcellino! (I'm sure Facebook will be enough, you don't need to call nightly or anything.)

  2. you didn't include me in your senior will. unbelievable.

  3. You already have everything you need! I couldn't think of anything I could give you that you don't already have.